Me, and my 5 kids

Now, I know you are probably thinking “Kesh, only has 2 kids”. With it being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month I thought I would allow myself to be vulnerable and open up…just a little bit.

My husband and I have been so blessed to be awarded the titles of mommy and daddy to our 2 amazing angels. However, I would be lying if I said that this reward came with nothing but sweet memories.

This post is going to be lengthy one; let’s dive right on in…

My husband and I got married in 2011, I stopped birth control in 2010 to allow my body to naturally do what it does best as we both knew that we wanted kids in the near future. Fast forward to January of 2012 we started trying to have a baby and it just was not happening. We tried every google remedy, “practice”, and feedback giving by others to try and conceive. After months of trying and not feeling quite right, I went to the doctor where I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Now at the time when my amazing Obstetrician-Gynecologist told me this I was like “ah, what is that in layman’s terms”. After understanding what PCOS was and just knowing that basically I could still get pregnant it may just take a little longer; I was okay…I use the term “okay” loosely. I tried several different things to try and have us a baby. I tried Clomiphene (Clomid), Metformin, monitored my weight gain, eliminated stress (well, not really because trying to have this baby was stressful), exercise, etc. My husband even went to the Urologist to make sure he was good. THIS WAS A TEAM EFFORT AND I AM BLESSED TO HAVE A TEAM PLAYER.

Sidebar: Before I continue, let me insert this. While going through this the number 1 question that kept getting asked was “when are y’all going to have kids”. Let me tell y’all, please don’t ask women this question. This question is hurtful. If I knew when I was going to have kids, I would have them. BASICALLY, if I knew the answer to that question, I wouldn’t be going through all of this. Ok, I’m done. Moving on…

Finally…WE GOT PREGNANT in July of 2012. We were so excited and just before celebrating our 1-year anniversary. That is when my heart first experienced the loss of a child. A couple of weeks later I started spotting, thinking nothing about it and using all my research I assumed it was implantation bleeding so I did not stress it, but I did call my doctor. I was able to get in the very next morning, but by the time that appointment came my spotting turned into excessive bleeding and blood clots which caused me to panic. That day marked the day of our miscarriage…our first miscarriage. I was devastated, silent, angry, embarrassed, ashamed, and confused. HOW? The only question I had. Losing our child was soul crushing. G (my husband) is one who does not worry first about a lot and is not quick to get stressed and automatically assume the worst. I remember him saying “we’ll pray, keep our faith and when you are ready, we can try again”. I felt like I failed as a woman. I am a woman; I am supposed to be able to conceive; that was the mentality I had back then. I am not going to lie to y’all…my faith wavered A LOT. I slowly but surely got back to myself and in my head had come to the realization that we were not supposed to have kids, but instead be a dope Auntie and Uncle to our family and friend’s children. I felt bad for questioning God. I started working on my faith a little harder, spending more time with God as his child and continuing to be the servant leader he wanted and has destined for me to be. I stopped taking medication, prayed, took the ovulation app off my phone, stopped “planning” to be sexually active during the days that I was ovulating (because it started to feel like a job), and we just went back to living, having fun and walking by faith.

Can we say, Merry Christmas!

I remember this day like it was yesterday. My family spends the night every Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve 2012, my sister, mom, nephew, and I were all downstairs laughing and talking; G was asleep because he had to work Christmas morning. I told them that I felt a little nauseous. We wrote it off as something I ate at first, but then my sister said let’s just go get a test to make sure. I band pregnancy test from our house after having the miscarriage. I told her I doubt I was pregnant and left it at that. Well, she convinced me that we needed to ride out and go get a test. I did, but refused to take it that night. On Christmas day we all woke up and opened gifts. G and I were going to open our gifts to one another when we got back from visiting my in-laws that evening. I snuck upstairs to take the test while my mom and sister were cooking breakfast. I cried, had hot flashes, and was so nervous to take that test. I finally gathered the strength to take the test and wait for the results. YOUR GIRL WAS PREGNANT…AGAIN! I got excited for a moment, but it was quickly met with the awful memory of what had happened a few months earlier and my excitement turned to emptiness. I did a quick pep talk and thought to myself, God would not bring me this far again to forsake me; I have faith. I wrapped that pregnancy test up in a box and put it under the tree addressed to my boo thang! BAY-BEE let me tell y’all that was THE.LONGEST.DAY EVER. to get through keeping that secret from G. We ate with my in-laws in Lincolnton and was headed home. I was quiet all the way home, he asked a million questions and I just kept saying “I’m tired” LOL. We finally make it home and ready to open gifts. After we opened all our gifts and was about to end our Christmas day watching movies and cuddling, I told him I had one more gift for him. I gave him the big box (to fool him). He tore open the box and when he saw the test, he first thought it was an ovulation stick and he was ready to get to business LOL. I told him hold on now, look closer. When he saw the 2 pink lines, he looked at me for reassurance. I said calmly, “WE PREGNANT BAE”. When I tell you God was all up in our house that night. G scooped me up, we cried together, laughed together, prayed together, he kept rubbing my nonexistent stomach as if the baby bump was already there, and cried some more. That night, something felt different. We went to sleep peaceful. By the grace of God, we welcomed our first baby girl, our first rainbow baby in August. GOD IS GOOD!

Maternity shoot, can't believe we were actually taking pictures!

G would leave sweet notes all the time for Baby G ad I.

She's here, our angel had arrived!

Let’s fast forward some years. You ever heard the saying, “if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans”. Well, we had plans. We said we are going to plan to have our 2nd child when Gerin was 3. Now, we tried and like before we could not get pregnant. It was just not our time. Years went by and people would start back asking “when are y’all going to have another child?”

.

Here is another sidebar for you: PEOPLE…do you know what we went through to have our first…DON’T ASK ME AGAIN!!

During this time of trying to conceive again, it was a stressful time matched with a whole lot of change. We moved, Ger started Kindergarten, pregnancy test kept saying “nah, sis you not pregnant”, I worked a stressful job…it was a lot going on. Then…here we go again…another miscarriage. I experienced the same feelings all over again that I felt before. However, this time I felt guilty. I felt guilty because I thought it was my fault. I told myself had I left my position at my job a long time ago liked I planned I wouldn’t be so stress, maybe if I loss more weight, ate better, exercised more then maybe this would not have happened. (Close friends, keep me honest) I didn’t tell all my friends about this miscarriage or the other ones; mainly because I was ashamed. ALL LIES THAT I TOLD MYSELF, but at that time that was how my mind was working. G and I pushed through.

Sidebar: Looking back, I should have definitely leaned on my amazing friends (they're the best). It was tough getting through this; staying quiet and to myself added to the hurt.

We were so thankful to be able to have the title of mommy and daddy, that this time around we prayed ourselves through the pain. We were reminded every time we looked into our daughter eyes, what a blessing she is to us and the “rainbow” she brought into our lives after such a storm.

Here we are; new house, some normalcy back in our lives, Ger started school, and I was still working that stressful job. In February 2019 I got laid off (this was a testimony; I will save this story for a later day). At the time of the layoff, I was devastated; wondering how were we going to sustain. Well, let me tell you, I got laid off in February; right? How about I took a pregnancy test in April 2019, started a new stress free and flexible job in May, and we had our 2nd rainbow baby in December 2019!!!!! *Insert praise dance*. Y’ALL I AM SHOUTING ALL OVER AGAIN. WON’T HE, DO IT?!? God gave us double for a trouble. He removed me out of a situation that I wanted to leave 2 years prior, blessed me with a job paying more, more flexibility to be a mother of 2, and allowed us to be a mommy and daddy to TWO beautiful and amazing angels; THEY CONTINUE TO SAVE ME ON A DAILY BASIS. We have ourselves another Rainbow baby.

Maternity shoot for angel # 2

Love at first sight...

Since having Pharrah, we have experienced yet another miscarriage. And it hurts just as if it was our first. However, the Kesha I am now and the person I was back then has grown to deal with my grief in a healthier way. Negative self-talk about the miracles that women can do with their bodies and God’s work was not allowed in my life anymore.

Let me end (watch this be another 2 paragraphs) by saying this.

Over the years I would joke about not wanting to have more kids. I would say “I’m good with just this one” or “we’re not having no more kids”. I entertained the annoying questions asking when we were going to have another one. I joked like this to hype my own self up, to try and make myself feel better because I knew deep down inside, I was scared to try again; fearful of the unknown. What I didn’t realize was I was speaking all sort of negative mess into the universe. I was making it harder for myself. GROWTH, it is amazing. So…

TO MY AMAZING WOMEN; be it those women who have been able to procreate, those that have experienced losses, and those that may not be able to have children…YOU ALL ARE EQUALLY AMAZING. Don’t be confused, embarrassed, ashamed, or angry. Instead look at your role in this world. It takes a village. I will be the first to say outside of my amazing big sister and best Auntie ever; my girlfriends and our male friends have bridged a gap. I have quite a few friends who are unable to have children, but they have been a mother (and father, can’t leave my fellas out) figure to my own girls, their own nieces and nephews; by blood or not…they have been a part of our village. Hold your heads high and know that you are not alone. There is a calling for everyone. Your time may not be when YOU want it to be, but trust and know that God has a plan far greater than our own. A plan that you nor I will understand now, but when OUR time comes, he would have prepared you. Pregnancy and infant loss are not easy and it will never be easy. Rather you experience losing a child one time or multiple times; don’t give up on being that nurturing individual that we naturally have in us. Do not succumb to your thoughts and fears; instead allow it to ignite a passion in you and know that your children; born, unborn, adopted, in the community, or simply a child you may love as your own…still calls you, sees you as a…MOTHER.

Love always, JUST take it a day at a time! Till next time…

Kesha La’Sara